From: Margaret McClintock Snyder <esnyder@leland.Stanford.EDU>

 GUIDING LIGHT TOO BAD IT'S MONDAY
 (OR TUESDAY) UPDATE FOR 9/16/96
               0R
 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S A PETE T.
    DAY IN SPRINGFIELD USA

TBIMOT HIGH (OR LOW) LIGHTS:
DIRT spar over ROGER'S state of mind
Drugged out ANNIE tries to deal with
  a missed page from RICK and a new 
  demand from BLAKE
ZACKIE rescues PODCHELLE and wisks
  her away to the LIGHTHOUSE
ROSS and ROG : the inlaw follies 
  continue in Bedlam

Let the Show Begin
 
DIRT ON THE BALCONY:
Hart is brooding on the balcony of the hotel
when Di comes bursting in saying she has just
lost her Mom and can't loose him too. Hart 
says he has lost his Father, and needs time
to deal with his changed personality. Di thinks
since Rog doesn't seem to mind, why should Hart?
Hart can't believe Di is trying to tell him this
is a good thing. Di thinks that Rog may be faking.
This may be his greatest scam yet.

ROG IN MIDLAND HILLS:
Cut to Rog at the piano: ABCDEFG... Rog looks so
adorable playing while wearing his reading glasses.
Ross arrives and tries to convince Dr. Dobson to
let him see Rog even though visiting hours are over.
Rog overhears, and takes off his specs.

CEDARS EMERGENCY ROOM:
Rick is treating a banged up guy. EMS is going to be
bringing in more victims, according to Lillian. Rick
tells her to have Annie triage them. Lil informs him
that Annie hasn't answered her page; she has even
tried phoning her. Rick wonders how he can function 
without a triage nurse. Lil offers to fill in. 
"Where the hell are you, Annie?," asks Dr. Rick.

ANNIE AT LOWHAD:
Cut to Annie drugged out on the couch. Her pager is 
beeping. Her opened pill bottle and glass of water 
are on the coffee table.

ZACK AND PODCHELLE AT THE BEACH:
Zack is bending over Michelle saying, "It's you. I've 
found you again." [No CPR is needed, since Chelle's 
breasts are visibly heaving]. Chelle opens her eyes.

TWIRL LIGHTHOUSE

DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA:
Hart insists Rog isn't faking--even he is no match for
shock treatments. "The Rogerthorpe I know wouldn't cry
if his life depended on it." Hart was moved by Rog's
distress when he couldn't remember the word horticulture.
Di thinks Rog has more lives than a cat--her women's
intuition, ESP, whatever tells her Rog is faking. Hart
says this is just a cop out so she won't have to feel
guilty about the ECT and lying to him. Di thinks that
Hart should be glad that the man who was out to get them
has been replaced by a man who likes plants and playing 
the piano. Why is it so bad that they are safe?

WE'RE A VERY TIGHT-KNIT FAMILY:
Dr. Dobson is trying to get rid of Ross, telling him
that Rog has had a difficult day. Ross points out that
his wasn't a picnic: his daughter's mother was laid to
rest today. Dr. D. says that Rog's treatment took a lot
out of him. Ross says that he is there because of what
his wife Blake (Rog's daughter) told him about her visit.
Dr. D. mentions that Ross is Rog's son in law. Ross tries
to fill her in on family history: he is married to Rog's
daughter, and his daughter is married to Rog. He is also
Rog's father in law. They are a very tight-knit family.
Dobson gives him 10 minutes. Ross greets Rog with "Hi Dad."

MAUREEN MUST BE ROLLING IN HER GRAVE TO SEE HER DAUGHTER 
  BEING OFFERED CANNED SOUP:
Zack carries Chelle in and puts her to bed. He opens a can
of soup. Chelle wakes up and he tells her where she is. She
tries to leave, while Zack tries to assure her she doesn't
need to be afraid. Zack wonders if she was trying to kill
herself. Michelle denies it. She tells Zack to "go easy on
the orders. If I wanted a drill sargeant, I'd go home and
listen to my brother." Zack asks her to stay and have some
soup please. She tries to leave again; Zack again says he is
glad it was just an accident.

WE'RE REALLY GOING THROUGH THAT ISSOLYL:
Rick and Lil finish up with the patients. It was a major
disaster, but Lil was masterful. They wonder what happened
to Annie. Lil tries to excuse it because of the Van service,
but Rick isn't buying it. Lil thinks maybe she went on a long
walk and forgot her pager--after all, it is the first time she
has done something like this so Rick shouldn't be so hard on
her. Lil looks in the supply cabinet and remarks that that the
Issolyl bottle is almost empty even though she got in a new
supply last week. Rick exits. Lil thinks that there must be
lots of people in lots of pain for the pills to disappear so fast.

WHO'S THAT POUNDING AT MY DOOR:
Cut to Annie still drapped over the couch. We hear loud pounding
at the door. Annie gets up, hides the evidence, and answers the
door, finding Blake babbling about it being the 11th hour. Her
life is falling apart in chunks. She won't be put off, and begs
Annie to focus. She not only lost Van, she lost her Father too.
"Roger died?," gasps Annie. Blake fills her in on the ECT results.
She also tells her that Amanda tried to convince Ross "that I'm the
patient at Cedars preggers by two different men." Annie wonders 
what she did. Fainted, replies Blake. She tells her how Rick helped
telling Ross about the CVS tests--"the ones I forged to throw Papa
Bauer off the scent." Now Ross is totally convinced the babies are
identical carbon copies. Blake wonders if Ross would believe 
"an alien baby switch?" If not, Plan B: convince Ross that the Cedars
lab goofed. Blake begs Annie to help her. "NO" is Annie's firm 
reponse.   

"I'M GOING TO PLANT A TREE IN HIS MEMORY":
Rog tells Ross it means a lot that he has come to visit despite their
differences in the past. When Ross comments he remembers that, Dr. D.
says Rog only has trouble with recent events. Dr. D. gives Rog an
out, but he lets Ross stay since he has come all this way. The doctor
exits. Rog wonders if Chrissie told him about the ECT? Ross replies
that Blake told him about a lot of things. "Even as cruel as you
are, how could you do what you did to Dinah?" Rog (probably not sure
what specific cruelty Ross is referring to) says that DIRT came to
visit today and they have begun the process of reconciliation. Ross
wonders if Rog is trying to drive him crazy too. Rog claims that he
wants to try and be a good husband to Di, but Ross says nothing doing.
Rog says he is thinking about her nonstop and has even begun writing
a song to her. Ross tells him he knows about the Lonitrat. Rog acts
surprised: that is top secret stuff. Ross tells him it was mentioned
at his competency hearing numerous times but Rog acts dumb. Ross
thinks its very convenient he's lost part of his memory. Frightening
is more like it, says Rog. It scares the hell out of him to hear
people say he did things he can't recall. Ross tells Rog he isn't
going to get away with this. Rog declares he couldn't have given 
Lonitrat to Di--it is illegal, outlawed by the Geneva convention. 
He's seen the dire results it had on one of his friends in the Agency.
"I'm going to plant a tree in his memory," says Rogie Appleseed.
Ross thinks he not only remembers giving her the drug, he enjoyed
doing it. Rog says he knows he wasn't equipped to be a good husband
to her, but now he thinks things are different and he really loves
her. "You drugged her, and you know it," shouts Ross slamming Rog
into the piano. Discordant notes resound.

HALF-TIME

ZACKIE, CAN WE BORROW YOUR NAIR?:
Annie tells Blake she has done too much already; how many times must
she put her career on the line? Blake didn't know she was keeping
score. All she wants is advice, but when Annie thinks she should
tell Ross the truth--that isn't acceptable. She needs advice, not
a date with a firing squad. Annie thinks she should have thought
about that before she changed the CVS test results. "Excuse me for
being in a hurry," replies Blake. She didn't know duplicate results
meant duplicate babies--or can she have identical twins without them
being exactly identical? Annie says it is possible, but extremely rare.
"I got pregnant with two different men. I can do rare." Annie claims
she read an article about twins being half identical if the egg
splits before it is fertilized. [This sounds like a load of hooey to me].
Annie thinks that the whole thing will fall apart in the long run.
"Your twins could pop out looking like each other or one could be bald
and the other one have fuzzy curly Rick Bauer hair." Blake thinks
Annie could attend the birth and if one had R.B. hair she could shave
it off when no one was looking. Loud knocking resounds. Annie tells
whoever to come in. Enter a glowering Rick saying "Annie, what the 
hell is going on with you?"

IN-LAW FOLLIES PART TWO:
Rog won't fight, saying violence never solved anything. Ross scoffs
at the new improved Rogerthorpe, the kindhearted pacifist. Rog 
pretends to be contrite about giving Di Lonitrat. Ross expodes,
"Rog, I've know you for 20 years. Do you think I'm buying any of
this load?" Rog says he knows it would be difficult if roles were
reversed; all he knows is something wonderful happened, energy
flowed and he woke up feeling cleansed. [Is this a parody of the 
Zackie crap? I'd like to think so]. Rog says that he knows Ross
is going to be a father again, and that they should make peace for
the children. Ross replies, "This is for the kids? You're going to
morph yourself into Mr. Rogers, the benign grandpa and nobody would 
suspect you going after my kids the way you went after Peter?" Rog
says there was no excuse for that, since Van and Jet let him see 
Petie whenever he wanted. Ross dares him to put that in writing.
Roger: "Children are not possessions. They are gifts of love who only
ask to be loved in return. We can learn a lot from children. The faith
and trust they show in people, the lack of prejudice, the love they
give so freely. God bless the children and God bless you Ross." He
embraces an uneasy Ross.

DIRT GETS DOWN AND DIRTY:
Di wonders if it is a bad thing the old Rog is gone. Hart wanted
to have a relationship with Rog like she had with Van, and today
his Father hugged him and told him that he loved him. It looks like
Hart is getting his wish. Hart is not appeased; he wanted Rog to
come around on his own not be strapped down and zapped like a bug.
Di thinks that this was inevitable for Rog--and either he is faking
it or it is the result of Lonitrat. Hart points out she was the
one who switched the vials. He doubts she tried to stop the ECT.
Di whines about how she was plannning the memorial service and went
out to Midland cause Hart asked her too. They spar for a while and
Hart thinks maybe he made a mistake when he trusted her to do the
right thing. Di drags up Van again. Poor me--I am not going to be
your way out, and grovel and beg so you can have a clear conscience,
Di whines. She tries to leave, but Hart grabs her saying, "You don't
get the last word this time, I do."

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS:
Annie claims nothing is going on, she was just visiting with Blake.
Rick says it is hospital business; he needs to speak with Annie alone.
Annie claims he can't tell her guest to leave and orders Blake to sit
down. Rick wonders where the hell Annie was tonight. A bridge collapsed
and fifteen people were injured. Annie babbles about getting dressed.
Rick is incredulous that she thinks he would leave the hospital in the
middle of an emergency to fetch her. Lillian did her job, and it is
all over. Rick says she was on call 24 hours a day and asks again where
she was. Annie says she was at home ever since Van's service. Rick tells
her that Lil tried to page her for an hour. Blake offers that maybe the
beeper is broken. At an earlier point, Annie has put the beeper in her
robe, perhaps fearing that this might come up. Annie says she was 
sleeping on the sofa, and left the beeper upstairs. Rick wonders how
she slept through the phone. Annie says it didn't ring, or Lil dialed
wrong, but Rick points out she is on speed dial. Annie objects to Rick's
attitude. Another nurse missed a call last week and didn't get the
third degree. Rick asks Blake to leave, but she objects that they
haven't finished visiting yet. Annie practically has to throw her out,
telling her that she and the babies are on their own. Annie turns on
Rick, asking him how he dares track her down like a criminal. He has
gone too far. Rick wonders if she has gone too far; the ER is running
low on Issolyl. Annie thinks Lil should order some more. Rick says she
did last week. Rick asks, "It is the drug you're taking, isn't it?"
For her headaches, alibis Annie. She orders Rick to get out. Rick asks,
"Tell me the truth. Are you stealing Isollyl to support your habit?"

"IS YOUR NAME MARY?":
Zack finally covers up his hairless chest. Chelle wonders why Zack
cares about how she ended up in trouble. She tells Zack is acting
wierd again [Truer words were never spoken!]. Chelle realizes that
she is at the Lighthouse. Zack burns his hand on the soup, but 
refuses aid saying he is a quick healer. The only thing that will 
ease his pain is if Chelle stays to eat the soup. He tells her the
joint is very formal, and she should put on her jacket. It is a
gray Springfield High sweat with M. Bauer embroided on the front.
Zack murmurs that Chelle is a Bauer, and asks if her name is Mary.
"No it's PodBimbo Chelle." Organ music swells.
After a commercial break, Zack says he bought the place from Ed Bauer.
Chelle says she and Rick knew this, but were not aware of the details.
"Saving things is my hobby," declares Zack. They discuss her mishap
again, and she agrees that thinking and swimming don't mix. She tells
Zack she was upset after Van's service. Her friend Bill was missing
his Mom, and it made her think of her Mom--there was Bill hurting in
a way you can't imagine unless it has happened to you. It is hard
to lose someone unexpectedly. Zack intones that it changes things
forever. Zack makes tea, since he knows Chelle likes it.

JUST DON'T DO IT:
Annie denies that she took the pills and that she has a habit. If
Rick tells people otherwise she will sue him for slander. She says
that Rick is overreacting. She isn't just a member of his team. "I'm
your boozing ex-wife who is with another man despite all your efforts
to win me back." Here we go again, groans Rick. You need new material,
Annie. [I couldn't agree more, Rick!]. Annie continues, "You're still
not over me. My precious little co-dependent wants his alkie back."
Rick says she is not going to make this his problem. Annie says she
doesn't have a problem; she is taking pills for her headache period [no
dot] Rick says he hopes that is the truth. Annie says he should spit it
out so he does. "Bottom line: I went against my better judgement and
put you on my team because you are the best trauma nurse I've ever
seen. I put a lot of faith in you and believed in you. For both our
sakes, I hope that faith wasn't misplaced." Annie whines she slept
though a phone call and beeper--why is he turning this into a witch
hunt? "Witches aren't the problem, demons are." Rick starts to exit,
and turns back. "I really pray you didn't take those pills, Annie.
If you did I'm going to bring you up on charges." Annie orders him to
get out. Rick exits, slamming the door. Annie gapes and winces.

"IT'S LIKE BEING HUGGED BY A REPTILE"
Ross squirms out of the hug, zinging Rog with the reptile line.
Rog apologizes saying he knows he will take a little getting used to.
Ross: "You could spout a halo and I wouldn't buy this act." Rog says
it's no act. Ross replies, "Yes it is. You can play Forrest Gump until
your chocolate melts, but you're not going to be part of my family."
Rog wonders if he can see the twins. Ross says he won't come within
a hundred yards. Rog wonders if he will send pixs so he can chart their
growth. Ross hopes Leo has seen this great performance. He vows that he
is going to bring on an army of specialists to prove Rog is faking it.
He leaves vowing to get Rog. "Not if I get you first," says Rog with
a twitch of a smile.

JUST DON'T DO IT, DOLE STYLE:
We are treated to a Dole/Kemp 96 ad advising us to dump Clinton since
it is his fault that our kids are turning into druggies. Heard that
Dole came out against Pulp Fiction and Trainspotting as glamorizing
drugs. You'd think he would have a few hip people on his staff to
advise him. Don't think this is going to go over with either the baby
boomers or the Gen Xers-- and Just say no was a catchier slogan!

MIDLAND HILLS REDUX:
Two aides are wheeling around the ECT machine, wondering why they
are giving a treatment at night [Excuse me, but wasn't it the middle
of the night when Rog got his treatment?]. Apparently Babe Ruth used
Larry's head for a ball so Dr. D. wants to zap him. The guys inexplicably
abandon the machine in the hall, and Rog appears to tinker with it.
"Sorry Babe, but if you don't take a real jolt they'll know I'm faking
it." He vows to kill them with kindness, starting with DIRT.

DIRT BREAKS UP AGAIN!:
Di orders Hart to get out of her way. He taunts her for turning tail
and running, pretending that they don't have a problem. Di declares
Hart is the one with the problem. "And I'm looking right at her."
Hart tells Di to save the "wounded act." He has plenty of reason to
believe she has lied. When she asks him to name one, he cites her lies
to Van when she came to town and her entire marriage to Rog. "I said
name one," she whines. Hart says they can get thru this if she tells
the truth. Di says she has and that she is out of there. Hart says
she always turns tail when she can't fix things. She declares she
doesn't want to fix things; she doesn't want anything to do with him
ever again. [We wish...]

ZACKIE AND CHELLE AGAIN:
Zack tells Chelle he thinks he will have the renovations done by the 
first of the year. He is planning a party to celebrate. There is no
reply. Chelle is asleep, and he tenderly covers her. "Rest easy now.
I won't let anything happen to you this time." Freeze Frame on
Bracelet Man and PodBimbo Chelle.

That's all folks.

Writer: Pete T. Rich
Director: JoAnne Sedwick
     * 
    /|\
  /\ | /\          Hoover Institution
   /-O-\           Margaret Snyder
   /-O-\           Margaret Snyder
 o=======o         Stanford University
  | G L |          Palo Alto, CA
  | u i |          (Hometown of Charles Jay Hammer,
  | i g |           a.k.a Fletcher Reade)
  | d h |
  | i t |          email:msnyder@leland.stanford.edu
  | n   |
  | g   |




