From: Margaret McClintock Snyder <esnyder@leland.Stanford.EDU>

   GUIDING LIGHT TOO BAD IT'S MONDAY
 (OR TUESDAY) UPDATE FOR  May 13, 1996                            
                 OR
    WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE DAY

TBIMOT HIGHLIGHTS (OR LOWLIGHTS):
DAHLIA  discovers the truth about TINA after
       MARCUS spills despite FRANKIE's protests
GOOSEY GOOP galore as the honeymooners
      moon on the yacht
ALEX toys with the STUFFEDTOMATO aka
     as FIFI 
REV and BUZZ confront ALAN despite his heroics
Musketeers RICK and PHIL rehash the reception
      and muse over candidates for A. SPAULDING

LET THE SHOW BEGIN

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS :  DOCK AREA:
Marcus is threatening to tell Dahlia the truth about her mother.
As Frank and Marcus spar, Dahl is becoming more and more
agitated. Frank, who thinks Marcus is just-out-for-one-thing-to-
impregnate-her-like-my-sister-Harley, is not very responsive
to Marcus' pleas that Dahlia needs to know the truth. Marcus
tells him that she thinks it is all her fault, but Frank isn't  
buying it. Marcus spills the beans and tells her about the arrest, 
and the role Cadet Cooper played in it.

SPAULDING YACHT:
We see many candles, a silver tray of caviar, a bottle of champagne--
and a big hint, a picture of a ship. AM carries Lucy over the
threshold. Lucy is delighted that AM has had the yacht brought
to Orlando. AM tells Mrs. Spaulding that she is home. They
smooch.

PEABODY HOTEL : RICK'S ROOM:
Phillip and Rick enter, and Phil heads straight for the booze.
Rick wonders how Phil thinks the evening went, and when
he sees Phil's expression, mutters "that well, huh." Phil makes
a toast to his loving family and throws his glass against the wall.
[Well, at least it is a more honest toast than the one he gave at
the reception!]

ON THE AIRPORT HIGHWAY:
Alan wonders if the car is gaining on them. Chet says that they 
didn't make the curve and they're home free. Alan looks back
and says "Reva." Cut to a red car slightly worse for wear in a
ditch after hitting a tree. Ruzz seems to be unconscious.

TWIRL LIGHTHOUSE
We see Lucy, Buzz, Towers building, Eleni, Alan, Bill and a bit
of Van, Ed, winter at the carriage house, PodBimbo, StuffedTomato,
Josh, bare skin, ? woman, Frank, fire, champagne, Annie, Rick, 
Marcus, Abbie, AM and last but not least Reva.
	
WANT TO TRY A LAMP?
Rick complements Phil on the nice toss. Since Phil is mute, Rick
decides its time for beddy-bye and tells Phil he is welcome to the
couch. [Question on sleeping arrangements: Is Alex still
sharing a room with Fifi after the newlyweds leave? Where did
Phil spend the night before the wedding? Where is Marcus staying?
Why does Dahlia have a suite and Rick only have a bedroom 
albeit with a couch? Why didn't Alex crash with Dahlia instead of
the StuffedTomato?]
Phil complains about the evening and Rick tries to get him to forget
all. He wonders if that wasn't the "warmest welcome" Rick has ever
seen? [Actually no, I think the resurrected Reva in the plane scene
with Alan, Buzz, Annie and Rick tops GB easily]. Phil says he hoped
to eliminate some suspects from the A. Spaulding list, but judging 
from the reception he can't eliminate anybody.

AAA ANYONE?
Alan and Chet survey the scene. Chet reminds him that if he's seen 
his cover will be blown. 
Cut to the red car nestled in the bushes/tree: Buzz is stirring.  
Back to Alan: He quizzes Chet on what happened: did they hit the tree 
on the side or head on? [Those who have cast canards about Buzz's driving 
should remember that he was speeding after Alan, and probably had a compact
low cost rental as compared to Alan's Mercedes or Lincoln. He didn't hit
a tree in the middle of the road, but went off the road when he missed 
the curve].  Chet says the car slid off the road when it missed the curve,
and hit a tree. Alan wonders if anyone could have been hurt. Chet 
urges Alan to vamoose.  
Cut to Buzz: Buzz revives and blesses seat belts. He makes a dumb
quip about getting them there, until he notices Reva is out of it.
Alan decides to stay and play rescuer.

YOU MEAN MOM'S A JAILBIRD?:
Dahlia wonders why Marcus is saying all this. Frank says he is mad
because he broke up their love scene. Marcus tells Dahl that her Mom
didn't leave because of anything she did. She left because she made a
mistake. Marcus is upset because Frank is continuing to lie to protect
Tina. They are both more concerned with their egos than the effect 
their sparring is having on Dahlia. She begs Frank to tell her the truth.

GOOSEY GOOP:
[This is what my hubby calls LAM and until I prepared this update we
FFed through most of this]. 
Lucy is happy to find a rose, just like  the first time. The love birds 
are hungry since they skipped lunch and dinner, and share strawberries, 
champagne and caviar, until they are distracted by passion. Lucy thanks 
AM for giving her the perfect wedding. [So there, what if we thought it 
was tacky. In the theater would have been bad enuf, but on the roof!].  
Luce confides that she used to dream of being in the movies when she was 
a kid. She anxiously inquires if letting Phillip remain made AM mad at
her, but although he is upset that Phil stole the spotlight, he could 
never be mad at Lucy. They smooch, but Lucy stops the action so she can 
go put on a special outfit. AM helps her with the buttons on her bridal 
gown, and she repairs to the powder room.

STUFFED TOMATO WITH YOUR COFFEE, MADAME?
Alex is sitting in the Peabody lobby sipping coffee. The StuffedTomato
returns from her errand with Father, and the ladies begin sparring.
Alex wonders why she is so chipper, did she "run over a little old 
lady on her way in?" Fifi says no, but "it's a thought though." Alex
invites her to have a cuppa and celebrate the "glorious" wedding. Fifi  
is amazed that Alex has such a great attitude in her defeat. When the
server comes with  the coffee,  Alex directs it to "the Madame, here."
Alex thinks that LAME must be "riding sky high with the exquisite 
wedding you orchestrated for them." [Do we detect that Alex thinks
the nuptician might have been an improvement? Surely the Nick/
Susan wedding proved that Alex has taste, while Fifi's taste is all 
in her mouth]. Alex mentions the bombshell that GB produced by 
arriving at the reception.  Alex wonders where Alan is but Fifi
denies any knowledge of his whereabouts. Alex declares that she
knows that Alan is behind AS Inc. and that this is Alan's typical
response to a romantic disappointment: to point out the lady's
error and make her sorry. Alex thinks that Alan will get over Reva,
but she is not sure it will happen in time to prevent Buzz's burial.

HELP, HELP:
Buzz is struggling to get out. He kicks the door and windshield,
and finally goes out the window. Reva has a head wound. Alan 
tries to call an ambulance but his cell phone isn't working. He
sees smoke. Alan sees Buzz trying to free Reva.  Buzz goes up
on the highway and yells for help.

HALF-TIME

AND OUR LIST OF SUSPECTS IS, DR. WATSON:
Rick claims that he spend four years in college and four years in
med school, but he isn't a shrink and isn't qualified to analyze
the Spaulding family dynamic. [Gee, it sure seemed like Rick
went through that training a lot faster than 8 years!].  They mull
over who in the family framed them. Phil thinks they are still
at square one.  He goes over the suspects:
Father (Alan): He thought he could count on his love/obsession
as a given but that's been blown to hell. Rick points out he was in
prison, but Phil doesn't think that would stop him. Phil remembers
how he almost killed Blake just because he didn't want Phil to
marry her.
AM: Rick thinks he can be eliminated, but Phil says he was born
with a chip on his shoulder re the GB. He wanted to be the GB--
the trophies, Dad's attention, and the big leather chair at Spaulding.
Rick thinks that coveting a leather chair is hardly the sign of a serial
killer. Phil says it's not totally AM's fault. Alan encouraged it. 
The fact that AM married Blake says it all.
What about the ladies?
Sister Amanda: Phil almost scratched her off since she wasn't in 
town at the time, but their dance at the reception convinced him
how ambitious Fifi is. She casually dropped that Alan had given
her all his Spaulding stock.  Phil and Rick agree Fifi is just as
ambitious and possessive as the rest of the clan.
Aunt Alex:  Phil had figured her as last, and certainly as least, 
but even she didn't give him a warm welcome. She wants to
use him as a weapon against Fifi because she can't stand her
closeness to Alan. Phil tells an amazed Rick that the StuffedTom
was a "purveyor of fine flesh" in LA. [This certainly had to be 
the line of the day. Why Rick is surprised is a mystery since
with the Frederick's of Hollywood getup you would think it
obvious to all. Why an ex-madame would wear such a frock 
is beyond me. Can her taste in wedding attire and locale be 
that bad or was this just another slam at the Cooper clan?].
Rick remarks that Phil's family sure isn't the Brady bunch.
Phil thinks they all look guilty as hell.

ALAN SAVES THE DAY:
Buzz is ineffectually trying to wake Reva up. Alan gets his
jack. He sends Chet to a nearby home to call for help. 
[Pardon me, but couldn't he send Chet to the rescue and 
retain his cover. Then the fact that it was Alan in the car 
would still be unclear. He could offer Chet another big
check if he got Reva out ok. Guess that's too logical for
McT and Co.]. When Buzz sees Alan approach he calls
him an SOB. Reva wakes and informs them she is trapped
by the dashboard. Alan goes to her side. A fire starts.

DAHLIA'S RUDE AWAKENING:
Dahlia tells Frank she wants to know what he knows about her
mother. Marcus tells Frank that she is tired of being confused
and beating herself up for something for which she isn't 
responsible. Frank tells Dahl that what Marcus has said is true.  
Dahlia realizes that the poor girl everyone jumped on in the diner 
was telling the truth when she said she had seen her mother
arrested on TV. Dahlia still can't figure it: why would her 
mother commit armed robbery when she had a great job? Frank and
Marcus go around again about whether to tell her the whole
story. Marcus finally tells her that her Mom was a hooker who
turned tricks to support her. Dahlia is very upset, and Frank
and Marcus exchange blows again. When Marcus breaks loose, 
Dahlia runs up the steps, leaving them both in the dust.
Marcus follows.

DRUNKEN MUSKETEERS:
We focus on  the whiskey bottle and Phillip's list. Rick tries
to convince Phil to return to Arizona and his wife and kid.
Rick notices Phil is avoiding mentioning Beth and finds 
out that she thinks it is a waste of time. Rick thinks she is
very smart; the only time she made a mistake is when she
picked Phil over him. Phillip can't forget it, and wonders
if Rick can. Rick says its over, Gary's dead and Neil's in
jail. When Phil points out it is vice versa, Rick zeroes in
on the bottom line: his wife and little girl. 
Phil thinks he doesn't know what it's like since he's always
had Ed.  "Yeah, for better or worse, " quips an increasing
soused Rick. Phil says that he always knew his dad loved
him and wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him. 
Phil swears that he is not going to let his family  make him
a victim. Rick says he has been warring with his family
for most of his life, and the further away the GB is from
them, the better off he is.

BURN BABY BURN:
As Alan tries to pry Reva out of the car, she urges both
Buzz and Alan to get away. Alan isn't leaving without her.
Buzz somehow manages to burn his hand on the engine. Alan 
hauls Rev out the window. Alan urges Buzz to vamoose,
and carries Reva to safety. When they get to Alan's car,
they see the big explosion. In what would have been
a great freeze-frame, Alan and Reva are huddled together,
Buzz next to them. The camera zooms in on Alan and Reva,
and we see the burning glow in the distance.

ON THE WATERFRONT:
We see the water and lighthouse at Universal studios.
Marcus is calling Dahlia's name. Dahlia runs off, and
Marcus follows calling to her to wait.

OOPS, I'M AFRAID I SPILLED THE BEANS:
StuffedTomato tries to leave but Alex wants to chat
about her take on the GB's entrance. ST wonders why Alex 
is harping on it. Alex not so subtly spills the beans
about her chat with GB re Mandy Harper. She's 
told him every sleazy detail and Phil might inform
Alan so he will know who the real destroyer in the
family is. ST naturally thinks its Alex. Al says that Fifi
is the one who is letting "Alan give up everything for
a person who doesn't love anybody but herself."
Alex would have stopped Alan because she loves
him. Fifi talked Alan into AS Inc. for her own selfish
reasons. StuffedTom is pretty sure that GB won't
tell Dad--but there is a big diff between pretty sure
and completely sure and Alex relishes her discomfort.
Al blows Dodge, off to beddy-bye and I hope they
have taken possession of AM's room by now or
Fifi might be borrowing some of Rog's medicine.

TAKE YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME:
Alan is concerned because Reva is bleeding.  
Buzz and Rev share notes about how they are. 
Alan gushes to Reva : "I almost lost you..."
Reva retorts: "Take you damn hands off me."
Alan does an Annie.

IF THIS IS A MOVIE, COUNT ME OUT:
Dahlia is hunkered down in an office. Marcus bursts
in and tries to comfort her.  Shortly thereafter, 
Frank comes and threatens him with bodily harm if he 
touches Dahl. Dahlia cooperates, tells Marcus to
get lost, and Frank takes her back to the hotel.

YOUR LIFE IS IN NEW MEXICO:
The guys are totally potted. Rick bids Phil nite nite
again as he struggles to take off a cuff link. Phil 
tells him he's the only one he can trust. The boys
tell each other of their love. Phil helps Rick take
off his cuff. They drunkenly pledge to do what
they gotta do. Rick tells Phil that his life is in
New Mexico. When Phil points out the place in question is 
Arizona, Rick says its all Cactusland.  Phil says his 
life is not in Arizona unless he chooses it. He is
returning to Springfield to see this though to the end.

SCUM OF THE EARTH:
Reva tells Alan he is scum, a miserable excuse for a
human being. He lied in front of God and his family
about AS Inc. and it has been him all along who tried
to hurt Buzz and take down the diner and 5th Street.
Buzz calls him a coward who ran when he was caught
red handed. Alan points out that he risked everything
to save Reva, but she doesn't care if he rescued her
from the jaws of hell. He went after her husband and
his family and friends and he is going to live to 
regret it. We hear sirens approaching. 
The paramedics appear. Reva says that Buzz is hurt.
She miraculously seems ok. Buzz has a separated
shoulder and bad burn. The paramedics tell them 
they are going for a ride, and they depart. Alan vows
that he isn't going to be the one who regrets it.

THE HONEYMOONERS:
The candles have burned down. LAM are planning
their cruise: up the East Coast, Bermuda. Luce wonders
what they will do with their days, and a happy AM says
the same thing they do with their nights.  Smooch big 
time as the LAM theme swells in the background.
FREEZE-FRAME on the happy couple rubbing noses.

FINIS

CREDITS:
For the last time I hope:
Production facilities provided by:
Universal Studios Florida--where you can ride the movies
The Peabody Hotel, Orlando--where you can see the quackers

Written by: Ralph Wakefield
Directed by: Bruce S. Barry
     *
    /|\
   /-O-\           Margaret Snyder
  /\ | /\          Hoover Institution
 o=======o         Stanford University
  | G L |          Palo Alto, CA
  | u i |          (Hometown of Charles Jay Hammer,
  | i g |           a.k.a Fletcher Reade)
  | d h |
  | i t |          email:msnyder@leland.stanford.edu
  | n   |
  | g   |


