From: Margaret McClintock Snyder <esnyder@leland.stanford.edu>

GUIDING LIGHT TOO BAD IT'S MONDAY
 (OR TUESDAY) UPDATE FOR 2/5/96
              0R 
DUH-WHO IS THE DUMBEST IN S'FIELD DAY?

TBIMOT HIGH (OR LOW) LIGHTS:
HART gleefully informs ROG about his 
   roll in the hay with DI
MARCUS is rebuffed again when he tries to
   give DI good advice again
RAJ go another round at Alan's office
ALAN and BUZZ are too dumb for words
     when they give into BRENT
GOOSEY and AM totally loose it when they
    commune with the angels
DUMB and DUMBER search for BRENT but
    only DUMB finds him
LAME gets caught on Candid Camera
REVA stows away in BRENT's truck, but
     forgets to call the COPS 

Let the show begin

Jessup Farm:
Rog doesn't believe Hart when he tells him he
made love with Di for two reasons: 1. Di loves 
him; and 2. she can't stand Hart. Hart tells Rog 
that denial doesn't suit him, and offers up a
pink and black teddy for proof.

Calling Dr. Ruth:
Marcus and Di are in the boardinghouse kitchen. Marcus
once  again tells Di she has a screw loose if she thinks she'll 
find happiness with Roger's son. Di doesn't want to hear it, and 
goes to sit on the inner stairs.

Spaulding Enterprizes:
Frank is getting the scoop from Reva about where Buzz and Alan 
have gone. Frank calls Levy at HQ and requests backup at the 
ferry dock. There are to be no sirens and lights, no uniforms in 
sight. Frank exits, telling Reva he hopes it isn't too late. As 
Reva picks up her coat and starts to leave, in strides Josh in 
full self-righteous mode.  Reva tries to blow him off, but he 
won't go. 

Spaulding Yacht:
We hear Brent's voice  telling the two daddies if he doesn't get 
back to LAME soon, they are toast. He has left a little 
something to keep them company: a bomb. As Al and Buzz continue 
to manhandle Brent, he tells them he has to return to disarm 
the bomb within 50 minutes. He brags about his beautiful device.
It is C4, and if anyone tries to enter the wrong code, or cut 
the wires, or throw it out the window--detonation! Brent says,
"If I don't leave soon, your kids are going to be all over S'field
literally." Buzz tells Alan that he believes Brent. 

A Bomb in the Lighthouse:
Goosey is looking at the thing in the toolbox. It begins talking 
in Brent's voice: "What do you know. You found my bomb. I set it 
for 90 minutes." Loosey tells AM that it has 50 minutes to go 
and is running. The voice continues telling them that they can't 
shut it off or cut the wires and they better hope he gets back 
ok. Luce picks it up and says she is going to throw it out the 
window.

TWIRL LIGHTHOUSE

Bedlam with LAME:
AM tells Loosey not to stop moving, just listen to him. If there 
is a motion sensor, moving it might set it off. Goosey starts 
blithering. AM gets her to slowly put it down on the bed.
[My physicist husband took great umbrage at this since the bed 
is a soft surface, and totally unsuited to put it down. You 
could see the toolbox bounce when it hit the bed]. Loose 
completely looses it, "We're trapped. He's really gonna kill us."
She hysterically [sorry if that term is not PC, re the OJ trial 
and Marcia Clark  <g> , but you've got to admit it fits in this 
case] crosses the room and she and AM reach out hands towards 
each other. Luce figures out that this is all her fault.

Ship of Fools:
Brent thinks this is check and mate. Alan has a very high-tech 
pistol, with a laser dot on the target area. Alan thinks that 
despite Brent's cleverness, he's still  a flesh and blood human 
being. He thinks he should put a bullet in Brent's thigh, then 5  
minutes later his arm. Buzz thinks that would be very painful, 
and he's all for it. Then Alan thinks he will put a round in B's 
foot. Brent says that they can play as much as they like, but if 
they play too long their kids are dead.  Alan thinks that 
whatever they do their kids are goners. Buzz and Alan discuss making 
Brent pay, so he will suffer LAME's pain. Brent wants them to "cut 
the crap." Alan says he wants to do it by the numbers.
 Brent starts to squirm, and says "You guys are nuts."

JEVA at Spaulding:
Josh pushes into the joint even though Reva tells him she 
doesn't have time for this. Josh tells Reva he knows about her 
plan to bring up Annie's past. Alan has spilled the beans.
Josh: "That's some little helpmate you're shacking up with."

Dr. Westheimer, where are you?:
Marcus (I don't mean Imelda) is berating Di for her continuing 
stupidity. He tells her he isn't mean. Mean is Roger. Di concedes
he was right about Rog, but Hart says he loves her. Marcus 
wonders if great sex is her only criteria. Di tells him that when 
she is with Hart her mind just goes ... . Marcus supplies:
 squishy, blank, stupid, what? Marcus points out Hart's history: 
that he pretended to be a PI. Di still isn't buying it. Marcus 
claims that "if you live in Springfield, you have to be smart to 
survive." Di claims she has good sense and judgment. Marcus
begs her to have Hart prove himself over time. Di exits in a 
snit. Marcus sighs.

Hart and Soul at the Farmhouse:
Rog claims that Di has 20 such teddies, and so do lots of other 
women. This is hardly damning evidence. Rog tries to pretend it
is all a joke. Hart thinks he is unbelievable, and tells him to 
take a seat while he tells all.

Ship of Fools:
Buzz is synchronizing his watch with Alan. Alan tells Brent he 
can avoid the pain if he'll just tell where the kids are. Brent is
not buying it. He thinks Alan would "swear your momma was 
your daddy if it served your purposes."  He asks if he can call
Alan by his first name. Brent tells Alan he has a problem; he 
doesn't care if he lives or dies. After what he did to Cutter 
and Nadine he probably deserves to die. But their kids don't
deserve to die. Buzz tells him he has 60 seconds. Brent  replies:
"Do it then. Pop me. If the cops come, I get the death penalty.
Go ahead and save the taxpayers some dough. [I doubt Alan is 
worried about that. As a supporter of Steve Forbes, he prob. 
hasn't paid taxes in years].  He says if they give him a chance
he will give their kids a chance. The dot is on Brent's forehead.

Alan shoots, and it whizzes past Brent's ear.
Buzz: "You idiot. You never ere in the military, you draft 
dodger. Let a Vietnam vet try."
Alan gives the gun to Buzz. He goes over to the stereo. He puts
in a CD. It is the William Tell overture. He picks up something 
from a fruit basket.
Alan: "Wait, here's an apple."
Buzz puts it between Brent's legs. 
Alan: "I'd hold still if I were you, Brent. Buzz was in the
Quartermasters Corps."
Buzz shoots, and Brent faints. 
Alan: "Buzz, I think Brent's had an accident. Did you 
bobbinate him?"
Buzz tells him not yet, and they revive Brent. A sobbing 
Brent tells the boys where LAME is. He offers to disarm the 
bomb if they will summon the Mutton woman and Dr. Dread
to administer first aid.

Oops. That was a figment of your reviewer's imagination.
Back to Duhsville:
Alan begins to weaken, even though it seems like he still has 
the upper hand. Buzz protests, but Alan gives the gun to 
Brent. Buzz points his gun at Brent, but is forced to give it
up. Alan ties Buzz up. Brent  tells them, "Your kids are
very lucky to have such loving fathers as you two clowns."

LAME Looses it:
We see the bomb; it has 21 minutes and 44 seconds to go.
LAME clasp hands through the cage. Loosey hyperventilates 
some more, while AM tries to assure her that her stupidity 
wasn't to blame. It is all Brent's fault. They begin a gushfest,
talking about their wedding. Luce begins talking about a 
church in the woods--shades of LOWHAD II. AM proposes
a wedding here in the sight of God. They will be together 
forever and always.

HALF-TIME

JEVA at Spaulding, Why oh Why?:
Josh is telling Reva she has been sandbagged. Alan wants her 
without any kids in the picture. Reva thinks maybe Alan is 
just throwing the fear of god into Annie. She rings for the
elevator, saying it sounds like "fuss and feathers to me."
Josh threatens to bring up Alanspaulding's past. The elevator
door opens. Enter the gaped mawed one. Reva wisely exits,
leaving  the prig and the mutton woman to ask each other 
why they are there. [I would like to know the answer to this 
too. What possible reason would Josh have for assuming 
Reva is at Spaulding?]

Ferry Docks:
Levy and Dumb and Dumber note that if the two clowns were
there, they are now gone. Cleary is sent to check out the 
warehouse. I didn't catch Frank's assignment, but the
threesome splits up.  

LAME's little clowns:
Brent is going into rapures over the ransom. He begins to 
count: 100, 200. Alan, who is tied up now too, tells him to 
go disarm the bomb. Brent, with a few taps to his watch and
other actions to torment Alan,  gets ready to leave. Enter 
Frank, who holds a gun on Brent. Buzz tells Frank to drop the 
gun, and incredibly he does. Brent splits. 

Going to the Lighthouse, and we're gonna get married:
Loosey tells AM that there are only 14 minutes left. AM tells 
her that time no longer matters to them. AM sees a light coming
down the stairs. It is coming directly from the "Big man." He is
going to marry them, and the angels will be their witnesses.
AM wishes he had a ring. [My hubby suggests they use the wire
from the bomb]. They exchange vows. I refuse to transcribe this,
but take my word for it. If you think LOWHAD was bad, for this
you need a pancreas transplant.

Dysfunctional Family at the Farmhouse:
Hart wonders if this seems like deja vue to dad. He reminds Rog 
that Jenna accused him of this. He believed her over his own 
son. He decided to make it come true with his new stepmom, and
Rog made it so easy. All Hart had to say were the three I love 
you words and Di was flat on her back. Rog shakes his head. We
hear Di off camera calling for Hart. She enters and Rog tells 
her he is glad she's here as she can clear up some tawdry 
fiction Hart has been spreading about the adulterous night they 
spent at the farm. Di affirms it. With great glee she tells Rog 
that they made love in the same bed that Roginah used the first
 time--but it was better with Hart. 

Ooh la la, how about this for a scenario:
Rog hears Hart's story and when Di confirms it 
says "C'est la vie." He wonders if they would be interested
in a little "menage a trois." Di replies: "Oui. Les Thorpes, pere 
et  fils. C'est magnifique. Let's boogie." With that, we have a 
fade out and the camera discreetly goes soft focus on a 
candle.

Prig and Mutton crash Spaulding:
Annie asks Josh what he is doing there. Instead of 
replying "I asked you first," he confesses that 
he came to talk to Reva. If she brings up Annie's
past , he will bring up Alan's. Annie hugs him and
thanks him. She tries to blow it off, but Josh insists
on an explanation for why she is there. She tells him
she came to get the latest dope from Alan on Reva's
plans. Josh wants them to stop going behind each
others backs. They need to work as a team. They
agree and smooch.

Ferry Docks:
Reva is on the docks. That must be why Josh was at
Spaulding. He was to delay her so she went outside
just in time to see Brent get in his truck. The back is
covered with a tarp, and Reva stows away.

Rog is in love:
Rog still doesn't believe it. He is trying to convince
Di that he loves her, but she isn't buying it. She tells
him that his son seems to know what love is and how
to show it. Rog tries to disabuse her of this notion. He
calls Hart a lying sneak. Hinah point out that he's hardly
one to talk. Rog goes into his riff that maybe he hasn't
loved her wisely. Di tells Rog that she is glad he knows
about them. It will make what she has to say a whole lot
easier.

LAME and LOWHAD II:
We are at the Lighthouse again. We cut to LAME and then to
the bomb. AM tells Loosey he will see her in heaven and if
she isn't there he'll know there isn't one. They go into what
they think is a final clench. 

My scenarios for the day:
Goosey goosey gander, let's blow this place:
AM tells Lucy to cut the hysteria, there is no time. 
AM: "Give me the toolbox through the hole in the cage." Luce 
does. Ever so slowly, he creeps up the stairs. When he
gets to the widow's walk, he drops it overboard. There is
a big explosion. AM tumbles down the stairs, back to the
bottom. He is unconscious. Lucy screams, and says:
"Are you okay? Freeze frame on AM's prostrate body.

Whatever it takes. The Dark Prince and Goosey think, think, think:
Lucy throws the bomb out the window. It is a dud. We hear
Brent's voice: "I guess you found the bomb. Isn't it beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful ..."  It sounds like a broken record. 
Emboldened by their success, AM decides he has to get them
out of  there before Brent's return. He runs up to the widow's
walk and jumps off. Breaking both legs in many places, AM must
crawl hand over hand to the front door. Loosey is looking out
anxiously. AM looses consciousness briefly, but revives and
finds the front door key under the welcome mat where Brent has
hidden it. He opens the door for Goosey. AM passes out but Luce
fireperson carries him to the boathouse. When AM revives he has
amnesia, and thinks she is Tangie. Freeze frame on Loosey's
goosey expression.

Back to Duhsville:
LAME hears Brent returning and break their clench. Luce puts on
her leather jacket, in preparation for her gun moll act. AM tells
her not to even look at him. Brent tells Luce about the money, 
but then sees she has been snooping and found the bomb. He 
tells her he made it back in plenty of time; he could have even 
stopped for a fast food lunch. He disarms the bomb, and is 
somewhat concerned about how Lucy has taken all this. He
wonders how "old one-wing" is doing. Luce says he has mainly
been sleeping. Brent tells her all about his hard rough morning
dealing with their dads. He shows her the loot and reassures her
that he left them all tied up but not harmed.  Brent tells her 
that he has a few things left to check on and then they will 
move the drama into its finale. He wonders why AM is such a
"gloomy little guppy." Now that he is 10 mil richer he may let
AM go to try and find another love. He smooches with Luce 
and goes into the computer room. LAME wonders "now what."

Hartbreak Farm:
Rog tries to convince Di that Hart is motivated by revenge. Di 
tells him she is going to see Ross, and get a divorce. He pleads
with her to go back to the way things were before. Di says
yes: she will be independent and carefree, but now rich and with
a new lover. Hinah exits, leaving Rog speechless.

Clown Yacht:
Everyone is untied. Cleary and Levy are there. Frank is 
rationalizing letting Brent go. Alan is looking at maps. 
He thinks Brent had time to go only 2 miles in order to
disarm the bomb in time. They heard a car drive off,
so they know he is on land. Everyone exits.

Brent takes umbrage at LOWHAD II:
Brent is looking at a tape he made while he was gone. He 
sees a replay of the wedding, a.k.a. as LOWHAD II. He 
likes the wedding about as much as I did. Brent mutters,
"You lied. You still love him. I've been a stupid fool. Did 
you think I wouldn't find out?" Yelling about that 
lying whore, Lucy Cooper," Brent manhandles Loosey.
[Brent's language has been somewhat rough lately, i.e. whore,
crap, etc. Now that Mr. Exon's bill has passed, will you all
pay my fine if I get caught? Brava to Cari for blacking out the
GL homepage in protest].

Saint Reva to the Rescue:
Cut to the Lighthouse inner steps. 
Reva (disguised in what my hubby thinks looks like a space
alien suit lacking only a helmet, at least from the back) 
starts going up the steps. Freeze frame. Duh, I think
I'll go upstairs and see if I can get captured too.

Finis, and not a moment too soon!

Written by: Ralph Wakefield
Directed by: Brian Mertes


     *
    /|\
   /-O-\           Margaret Snyder
  /\ | /\          Hoover Institution
 o=======o         Stanford University
  | G L |          Palo Alto, CA
  | u i |          (Hometown of Charles Jay Hammer,
  | i g |           a.k.a Fletcher Reade)
  | d h |
  | i t |          email:msnyder@leland.stanford.edu
  | n   |
  | g   |



